Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
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Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.