Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
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lol
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
who will stop them
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.