Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.