My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
You Might Also Like
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great