The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
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Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜