Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
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Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
This kid is a star!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.