Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
New menu item
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.