My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
FRED: right
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
New comic up. “Ransom”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.