HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…