KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
knights of the ikea table
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.