Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?