Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
one of
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Passwords are more important than ever.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath