In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
lost dog
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.