A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’ve been drinking.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
2022 be like
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Hilarious if literal: arms race