[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
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if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen