I’m dying louder than usual today.
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Autocarrot sucks!
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.