The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
You Might Also Like
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Just me?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922