I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
You Might Also Like
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
A woman drives into a bar.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.