Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.