best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.