Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
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[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Unimpressed
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Cha-ching is my safe word
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”