Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
inventing words: clothing
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
The USS B port
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.