The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”