Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Banana is the quietest snack
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I see your IQ test came back negative
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Does beer think about me too?