My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
December birthdays be like…
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Boy never ceases to amaze me
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…