Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
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A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Jail
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You’ll be OK
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.