I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
You Might Also Like
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal