Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.