Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
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[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist