[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I can’t deal with men any longer
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”