me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
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the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
New tinder profile pic
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.