Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
HELP 😭
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.