Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
(by @ZachWeiner )
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah