[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
You Might Also Like
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
liiiiiiiiike
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.