Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.