When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Generation gap…
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Beware of the dog..
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”