When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.