*visits random websites just for the cookies*
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Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.