Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.