[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free