[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning