Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….