Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
You Might Also Like
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Sunday
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[shakes fist at other fist]
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy