one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
*cough*
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
uh oh
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”