Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
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Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
*pronounces fake like saké*
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014