Not all heroes wear capes…
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jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
accurate
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.