When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
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I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.