I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
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All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Still a very good boi….
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen