Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”