date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.